Jokes, Humor And Things Funny

Discussion On All Aspects Of Books & Literature

Moderator: NefariousNed

Re: Jokes, Humor And Things Funny

Postby Rick on Mon Jun 05, 2017 7:31 pm

Back in pioneer days, a fellow moved his family west, settled on some land and built a cabin. He hung a bell from the porch to summon him in an emergency.

One day while the man was out hunting, the bell rang. He ran back at full speed. "What's wrong?" he panted. His wife explained that she wanted him to taste her apple pie while it was still warm. "Sarah," he reminded her, "the bell is only for emergencies."

The next day the man went out to gather wood. Again the bell rang. "What's wrong?" he asked as he ran up. His son explained that he had cleaned the fireplace and polished the harness as he'd been told. "Jesse," he said, "remember, the bell's only for emergencies."

That afternoon he went out hunting again. Once more the bell rang. As he ran in the direction of the cabin, he saw smoke curling to the sky. Closer still, he saw his wife and son staggering out of the remains of their home, their clothes in tatters, arrows lodged everywhere.

"Well," he said with a satisfied sigh, "that's more like it."
"When the going gets tough, the tough use Duct tape."
Rick
 
Posts: 1051
Joined: Sun Sep 28, 2008 2:48 am

Re: Jokes, Humor And Things Funny

Postby cc nolen on Tue Jun 06, 2017 2:05 pm

:o :o :o / :shock:
User avatar
cc nolen
 
Posts: 10559
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 10:04 pm
Location: West Monroe, Louisiana.......Land of Bowie

Re: Jokes, Humor And Things Funny

Postby SantaClaus on Thu Jun 22, 2017 1:56 pm

Just tried a new product baked by Nabisco, made not with just chocolate chips, but made with chocolate computer chips. Now, that's one smart cookie. :lol:
Pretty crummy joke, eh? ;)

I was gonna tell a joke about ethanol, but it's too corny. :roll:
User avatar
SantaClaus
 
Posts: 1758
Joined: Fri Jul 03, 2015 4:43 pm
Location: Austin, TX

Re: Jokes, Humor And Things Funny

Postby cc nolen on Thu Jun 22, 2017 2:09 pm

You hear the one about the beautiful Princess that everything she touched melted??? :roll:
Well, she couldnt find a husband because of her problem so her Dad, the King put out a notice that anyone who could bring her something that didnt melt would be the King and have all the riches!!! Young Men brought just about everything, but it all melted upon her touch. :(
Then a young poor boy stepped up and the King allowed him to see if he could have something the girl would not melt. The boy approached the girl real close and told her to slide her hand in his pocket. :shock: She noticed a buldge but she went ahead and put her hand in the pocket of the young man. She rolled it around and it was hard. She blushed but it did not melt. :shock:
The King asked what was going on and the girl pulled out a bag of M & Ms!!!! Melts in your mouth not in your hand!!!! :lol: You have a dirty mind Richard!!! what did you think was gonna happen? LOL! :lol:
User avatar
cc nolen
 
Posts: 10559
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 10:04 pm
Location: West Monroe, Louisiana.......Land of Bowie

Re: Jokes, Humor And Things Funny

Postby SantaClaus on Thu Jun 22, 2017 2:52 pm

And then there was the veterinarian who spent hours standing behind a constipated horse, trying desperately to unclog the horse's plumbing. Everything came out alright at the end, but the tired vet had to sit down to take a load off his feet.
Some of my jokes stink, don't they? ;)
User avatar
SantaClaus
 
Posts: 1758
Joined: Fri Jul 03, 2015 4:43 pm
Location: Austin, TX

Re: Jokes, Humor And Things Funny

Postby Seguin on Fri Jun 23, 2017 2:46 am

This joke is about kids telling the teacher what their dads do for a living and little Eric says his dad is an erotic dancer in a nightclub for men and if the men are nice to him he takes them to a hotelroom for a game. The teacher gets red in the face and pull him outside the room and ask if it´s true to which Brian says, "Hell no, but it´s too damned embarrassing to say he´s part of the new government!" :lol:
Recuerden El Alamo!
User avatar
Seguin
 
Posts: 16805
Joined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 7:40 pm
Location: Copenhagen, Denmark.

Re: Jokes, Humor And Things Funny

Postby cc nolen on Fri Jun 23, 2017 2:35 pm

Seguin wrote:This joke is about kids telling the teacher what their dads do for a living and little Eric says his dad is an erotic dancer in a nightclub for men and if the men are nice to him he takes them to a hotelroom for a game. The teacher gets red in the face and pull him outside the room and ask if it´s true to which Brian says, "Hell no, but it´s too damned embarrassing to say he´s part of the new government!" :lol:

Didnt know Denmark had a new Government :o ......You mean the Queen is gone? :shock: ... :lol:
User avatar
cc nolen
 
Posts: 10559
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 10:04 pm
Location: West Monroe, Louisiana.......Land of Bowie

Re: Jokes, Humor And Things Funny

Postby Seguin on Sat Jun 24, 2017 5:19 am

You mean the Queen is gone? :shock: ... :lol:


You could say she´s "gone" since she´s still smoking joints with her husband. :D

(Actually, it´s not a joint but some some kinda cigarette she was offered in some country she visited, but it sure looks like a joint)
Attachments
Margrethe-Joint.jpg
Margrethe-Joint.jpg (48.04 KiB) Viewed 713 times
Margrethe-Joint-2.jpg
Margrethe-Joint-2.jpg (47.55 KiB) Viewed 713 times
Recuerden El Alamo!
User avatar
Seguin
 
Posts: 16805
Joined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 7:40 pm
Location: Copenhagen, Denmark.

Re: Jokes, Humor And Things Funny

Postby Seguin on Sat Jun 24, 2017 5:43 am

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write." :D
Recuerden El Alamo!
User avatar
Seguin
 
Posts: 16805
Joined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 7:40 pm
Location: Copenhagen, Denmark.

Re: Jokes, Humor And Things Funny

Postby NefariousNed on Sun Aug 06, 2017 9:00 pm

A young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba,
somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did y'all see
who it was?" The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
The "OUTSIDE THE ALAMO, Songs of Ned Huthmacher Performed by John Beland" CD Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/OutsideTheAlamo/
User avatar
NefariousNed
Moderator
 
Posts: 53197
Joined: Wed Sep 24, 2008 9:48 pm

Re: Jokes, Humor And Things Funny

Postby RLC-GTT on Mon Aug 07, 2017 5:12 am

:roll: :lol:
User avatar
RLC-GTT
 
Posts: 17886
Joined: Mon Sep 29, 2008 10:03 am

Re: Jokes, Humor And Things Funny

Postby Seguin on Fri Sep 15, 2017 1:27 am

Spelling problems in the bible belt. :D
Attachments
Cartoon-Bibles-7.jpg
Cartoon-Bibles-7.jpg (51.17 KiB) Viewed 408 times
Recuerden El Alamo!
User avatar
Seguin
 
Posts: 16805
Joined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 7:40 pm
Location: Copenhagen, Denmark.

Re: Jokes, Humor And Things Funny

Postby cc nolen on Fri Sep 15, 2017 2:01 pm

For Sale!!!
Attachments
fw 5.JPG
fw 5.JPG (70.32 KiB) Viewed 393 times
User avatar
cc nolen
 
Posts: 10559
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 10:04 pm
Location: West Monroe, Louisiana.......Land of Bowie

Re: Jokes, Humor And Things Funny

Postby Seguin on Sat Sep 16, 2017 6:44 am

:D
Attachments
Cartoon-Respect.U.jpg
Cartoon-Respect.U.jpg (72.15 KiB) Viewed 372 times
Recuerden El Alamo!
User avatar
Seguin
 
Posts: 16805
Joined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 7:40 pm
Location: Copenhagen, Denmark.

Re: Jokes, Humor And Things Funny

Postby SantaClaus on Sun Oct 15, 2017 6:08 am

With Halloween coming up, I got to thinking about the ghosts of the Alamo.
Do you know which Alamo ghost is the scariest? Jim BOOie! :o :lol:
User avatar
SantaClaus
 
Posts: 1758
Joined: Fri Jul 03, 2015 4:43 pm
Location: Austin, TX

Re: Jokes, Humor And Things Funny

Postby Seguin on Sun Oct 29, 2017 4:18 am

:D
Attachments
Cartoon-HaloweenText.jpg
Cartoon-HaloweenText.jpg (25.3 KiB) Viewed 172 times
Recuerden El Alamo!
User avatar
Seguin
 
Posts: 16805
Joined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 7:40 pm
Location: Copenhagen, Denmark.

Re: Jokes, Humor And Things Funny

Postby Seguin on Fri Nov 03, 2017 10:26 am

Funny! :D

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
-----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
Recuerden El Alamo!
User avatar
Seguin
 
Posts: 16805
Joined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 7:40 pm
Location: Copenhagen, Denmark.

Re: Jokes, Humor And Things Funny

Postby SantaClaus on Fri Nov 03, 2017 3:51 pm

Hans,
That's like very funny, you know? :lol:
User avatar
SantaClaus
 
Posts: 1758
Joined: Fri Jul 03, 2015 4:43 pm
Location: Austin, TX

Re: Jokes, Humor And Things Funny

Postby Seguin on Sat Nov 04, 2017 8:49 am

SantaClaus wrote:Hans,
That's like very funny, you know? :lol:


I think so too, so I thought I would share it with you guys. :D
Recuerden El Alamo!
User avatar
Seguin
 
Posts: 16805
Joined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 7:40 pm
Location: Copenhagen, Denmark.

Previous

Return to Books & Literature

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest